a snip in the integrity of our friendship

i let out a sigh of relief this morning when i read your text. it felt like a burden was lifted off of my chest. then, however, there was a flash of anger. you're wrong about many things. bear with me in the following paragraphs, there is some raw rage. 

this was meant to be a fresh start for both of us. i asked. you agreed. and for any friendship to survive, both parties need to give. but you, stuck in your privileged victim mentality, sat up there on your high horse, so sanctimonious, so taking, never giving. i knew from the start that this new friendship wouldn't last, but i still gave it my best. go back and see, who texted you everyday other day? who asked you true, genuine questions? talking to you wasn't friendship, it was like talking to a chatbot. you were simply there to answer my questions. never reciprocated the questions or any initiation of your own check-ins. all me. and how silly of you, then, to say that "the words and actions ratio" wasn't meeting your expectations? do you just expect to sit there while i deliver my actions to you? that's not sustainable. actually, it is. the only thing it sustains is your victimhood and narcissism. then, i found out that you removed us from each other's Instagram. if you really claim to have been so genuine in your effort for this new friendship, wouldn't the respectful thing to do be to inform me of why you think we aren't ready to be on each other's IG? 

honestly, you are almost 21 years old now. i don't need to explain how stupid your passiveness was. i wonder if you are truly delulu or deliberately shielding yourself from the truth. grow up. i made a mistake years ago, and yes it put a snip in our friendship, but so did you. start taking responsibility for your actions and how they lead to circumstances.  

i really wanted to be your friend again. not you, right now, but the person you were back then. kind, understanding, caring, uplifting. i wonder if that person is still in you, but definitely not your current personality which is haughty, narcissistic, unkind, and selfish. i'm sorry if this angers you but it's the truth. the bitter truth. i never want to hurt you, but you seem to be okay hurting me so why don't you try some of your own medicine?

never wanted to hurt you. always wanted to fix the mistake i made as a lousy, troubled teen. obviously, i couldn't. and though i don't particularly enjoy talking to you now that you sound so self-absorbed and haughty, i do think it's just a wall you put up to not be hurt again. if that's the case, i understand and im sorry about it. 

you sent me a video and clearly you didn't care how it would make me feel (upset), so i want to leave you with two songs too. they won't hurt you. but hopefully it lets you see the truth. and also for old time's sake. 

The Wallflowers - One Headlight (Official Music Video) - YouTube 

The Fray - How to Save a Life (Official Video) (youtube.com) 

bye 

the friend you used to love, she is still here

Rarely do I shine a torch on my guilt.

I feel sorry for not having tried harder. 

Sometimes I wonder how much we drifted apart,

how close we were until I slowly broke your heart.

Alas, I did not realize it then. You forgave me many times. 

Brutal it is when I text you now

"How are you? How's family?" and hear nothing back. 

I want you to know and believe

that you were heard and seen, 

maybe not then, but certainly right now.

I am sorry for having been a stupid cow. 

If I could turn the hands of time, 

I would change the lines and make us rhyme. 

But all I have now is this poem on my blog, 

not a conversation with two, just a monologue. 

You used to come here when we were friends, 

I hope you come again and know that I want to amend. 

True friends are hard to find, 

and I have been blind. 

I am sorry that I took you for granted in the past, 

I was selfish and assumed our friendship would just last. 

I want you to know this fact, and hold it dear:

The friend you used to love, she is still here. 

stabbed

 I thought about stopping everything, ceasing everything to an almighty halt. And I did it. What happened? I realized that everything I do for everyone foes unnoticed and that actually nobody knows what I do. It turns out that I thank them for doing what they do, but never get the same for myself. 

what do I actually wish for?

I wish somebody would write letters for me,
like I did for them.
I wrote thousands of words for one boy, but I hated the outcome.
I wrote hundreds of words for one girl, but she didn't appreciate, too dumb.

I wish somebody would make me laugh by making weird faces,
sure, I did it too, but now I'm tired and my face has traces.
For all my friends, I made funny poses but they're all silent cases.

I wish somebody would make me cry in peals of laughter,
'cause I did it for them too.
I found their deepest and darkest monster,
and made them giggle because of my Joke Flu.

I wish somebody would stop being self centered,
And also try and see my efforts.
Yes, I notice yours too but...
Your selfishness makes me hurt.

I wish somebody would read and try to understand my poetry,
it would be amazing if I knew someone was interested..
Somebody could love my poem-sea,
And marvel at how my feelings have been adjusted.

I have come to realise that everyone is different,
but I still wish someone does these for me.
I don't think twice before doing something stupid,
I make them smile but they don't see.

And this makes me sad.
I feel really bad.
But I don't really care now,
all my actions are slowly falling down.

I am submitting my goddamn crown.


-Nalini

A friend for show

When you ask me why I'm sad, 
it becomes difficult to tell. 
But before I let the words out,
you tell me how hard you fell. 
It's just a general question,
it means nothing to you.
All you care about is
reacting to my problems
 by saying "Me too!"
Don't you realise how heartless it seems? 
You ask me why I'm so loud, 
only to pause and scream. 
You make my problems seem negligible,
by saying "oh that's so relatable!"

If you are so self centered,
continue being so.
I'll remember you as the friend 
who cared about me just for show.


-Nalini