Monday, May 31, 2021

No

I’m not bad and I’m not selfish. We have lost our foundation. I’m just constantly trying to fill that gap in with anything that I can find. I’m trying to fix our cohesion. I’m trying to make us a sound family. I desperately want to know too where my faults lie. Just because I try to impose the rules we had earlier, doesn’t mean I’m a dictator. 

I’m so tired of being misunderstood. I just want to fix everything. I want to make us all each other’s best friends instead of merely material to be ranted to other best friends. 


I don’t know what to do. If I stop I’ll feel guilty for not trying my best. If I don’t then they’re going to ruin me. 


I don’t know what to do. Going through with this is the right thing to do- as a daughter, sister, person. But the selfish choice would be to back off, let the whole family fall apart.


They think I’m selfish. But I make the right choice everyday. 


In this case, the right choice and the selfish choice are mutually exclusive of each other. 



- an excerpt from a fictional story I wrote called No

Sunday, May 30, 2021

vaccination

 I hate injections. I have a phobia of needles. 


1. I was probably 10 years old. My father took us three siblings to a doctor. We were getting an injection each. I don't remember what it was for. I was pretty calm. My sister went first. The moment the doctor took out the needle, I lost it. I started wailing. Everyone laughed. I let my brother go second. He started laughing when he sat there but when the doctor wiped his thigh with alcohol, he started crying. Then God knows what he was doing: his eyes were letting out tears over tears, but his mouth was smiling. I started crying even more. I don't know how but they managed to get me seated. Everyone was laughing and that made me cry more. After about fifteen minutes of struggle, I was told sternly by my father to sit tight. Then my arm hurt a lot but the rest of them were fine. I laughed too afterwards. 

2. I was 14 years old. We were getting vaccinated at school. Our class was seated in the medical room. It was according to class number but I pushed mine till the end. Now, it was common knowledge that I was a pussy when it came to needles. EVERYONE wanted to see me get injected. I laughed the entire time, and then it was my turn. Everything changed. I was sitting in the chair while the nurse/doctor asked me to count the number of light switches. I thought aggressively while tears started leaking out of my welling eyes, "What the fuck, do you think I'm 12?" And then I started shaking pretty bad and cried and cried and cried, said "No no no, listen just don't do it, please it's fine." My class teacher told me, initially kindly but then severely, to sit my ass down and just take it. I didn't. I tensed my arms and wailed. Jesus, then three nurses surrounded me. One held my right arm, one held my left arm, and one turned to me and locked out gazes. I was crying a lot. Then they suddenly started moving away and said, "see, it's already done, you didn't even feel anything." Which was true, I didn't. Then I laughed a lot. Quite hysterically if you ask me. And then my classmates laughed too. 

3. I got vaccinated today. Coronavirus goodbye you stupid fucking cunt. My left leg was shaking constantly while I was in the tram. Then the medical counselor told the following but in a much nicer way: it's chill so calm your tits and your very obvious leg shaking. Nope. Didn't work. Next thing I know, it's my turn. The Chinese doctor was so nice, she said "Namaste." I started crying but I doubt she could see the well in my eyes. I was trying to hard to stay calm, breathe slowly, and not let a single tear leak that in a second my vision became watery, you know like water haze? Then I told her I'm scared and she said "Just look at your pretty mom." Nope. Didn't work. Again. I couldn't see but when my body felt the pointy needle touching it, in nanosecond I accidentally jolted like 6 feet in the air. I looked at her so scared, I thought they'd kick me out, but she understood and told me not to look. I felt it go inside me (sounds outrageous out of context!) and then they told me to sit in another area for 15 minutes and tell them if I feel sick. I cried my eyes out there. I don't know why I get so scared. 


So yea, I hate injections.