a snip in the integrity of our friendship

i let out a sigh of relief this morning when i read your text. it felt like a burden was lifted off of my chest. then, however, there was a flash of anger. you're wrong about many things. bear with me in the following paragraphs, there is some raw rage. 

this was meant to be a fresh start for both of us. i asked. you agreed. and for any friendship to survive, both parties need to give. but you, stuck in your privileged victim mentality, sat up there on your high horse, so sanctimonious, so taking, never giving. i knew from the start that this new friendship wouldn't last, but i still gave it my best. go back and see, who texted you everyday other day? who asked you true, genuine questions? talking to you wasn't friendship, it was like talking to a chatbot. you were simply there to answer my questions. never reciprocated the questions or any initiation of your own check-ins. all me. and how silly of you, then, to say that "the words and actions ratio" wasn't meeting your expectations? do you just expect to sit there while i deliver my actions to you? that's not sustainable. actually, it is. the only thing it sustains is your victimhood and narcissism. then, i found out that you removed us from each other's Instagram. if you really claim to have been so genuine in your effort for this new friendship, wouldn't the respectful thing to do be to inform me of why you think we aren't ready to be on each other's IG? 

honestly, you are almost 21 years old now. i don't need to explain how stupid your passiveness was. i wonder if you are truly delulu or deliberately shielding yourself from the truth. grow up. i made a mistake years ago, and yes it put a snip in our friendship, but so did you. start taking responsibility for your actions and how they lead to circumstances.  

i really wanted to be your friend again. not you, right now, but the person you were back then. kind, understanding, caring, uplifting. i wonder if that person is still in you, but definitely not your current personality which is haughty, narcissistic, unkind, and selfish. i'm sorry if this angers you but it's the truth. the bitter truth. i never want to hurt you, but you seem to be okay hurting me so why don't you try some of your own medicine?

never wanted to hurt you. always wanted to fix the mistake i made as a lousy, troubled teen. obviously, i couldn't. and though i don't particularly enjoy talking to you now that you sound so self-absorbed and haughty, i do think it's just a wall you put up to not be hurt again. if that's the case, i understand and im sorry about it. 

you sent me a video and clearly you didn't care how it would make me feel (upset), so i want to leave you with two songs too. they won't hurt you. but hopefully it lets you see the truth. and also for old time's sake. 

The Wallflowers - One Headlight (Official Music Video) - YouTube 

The Fray - How to Save a Life (Official Video) (youtube.com) 

bye 

 And in your relinquishment of life, you gave the innocent pain.

जीवन साथी के बिना जीवन ख़ाली सा लगता है

साथी के बिना ज़िंदगी ख़ाली सी लगती है, 

अकेलापन, सन्नाटा, अधूरी ख्वाहिशें - 

जो कभी ख़त्म नहीं होती। 

में उनको कैसे मदद करूँ? 

मैं कैसे किसी की जगह ले सकती हूँ 

जो मेरी माँ के जीवन साथी होने चाहिए थे? 

मैं जितनी भी कोशिश करूँ, 

मैं कभी भी उनके दिल का ख़ालीपन 

नहीं भर पाऊँगी।  

बस दूर से में उनके दुख को महसूस कर सकती हूँ, 

उनको हँसा सकती हूँ, गर्व महसूस करवा सकती हूँ, 

पर उनके दुख में अधूरापन हमेशा होगा। 

आख़िर, साथी के बिना ज़िंदगी 

ख़ाली सी लगती है। 

even after my apology

i was disappointed but not surprised when you forgot my birthday;

i won't take the blame this time. i apologized enough, i tried enough. 

truth be told, i have come to loathe your traits

your arrogance, and your demeanor so rough. 

i don't want to be your friend

because you weren't one to me

even after my apology. 

So go your way, 

and let me go mine,

i will remember you as someone 

who used to be nice. 

seasons come and go, what stays?

Some days are sunny, golden rays bouncing off the skin, tiny particles reflecting light. A golden Tyndall effect. On other days, the rain falls persistently on the window, persistently, passionately, and a few drops make it under the window sill. Those resilient drops did what  I am doing now. 

Tell me what the problem is and I will do what I can to fix it. You are, like the golden rays, what brings the shimmer to my life. A dim screen of constant work, learning, and solitude, you bring color, passion, and warmth. Tell me what upset you, let me work on it. I will try to see your perspective and understand you, I will bring change. There shall be no blocks, only challenges to overcome.

If it takes me 10 tries, I will do it. Even if it takes me 20 tries, or 30, or 50. I want to build something eternal. A few tries is nothing for what we can build. An immortal life of trust, loyalty, and love. 

Some days are sunny, some days are rainy. That's just how life is. You can hate it, or you can embrace it. Persistence is what is key.

the friend you used to love, she is still here

Rarely do I shine a torch on my guilt.

I feel sorry for not having tried harder. 

Sometimes I wonder how much we drifted apart,

how close we were until I slowly broke your heart.

Alas, I did not realize it then. You forgave me many times. 

Brutal it is when I text you now

"How are you? How's family?" and hear nothing back. 

I want you to know and believe

that you were heard and seen, 

maybe not then, but certainly right now.

I am sorry for having been a stupid cow. 

If I could turn the hands of time, 

I would change the lines and make us rhyme. 

But all I have now is this poem on my blog, 

not a conversation with two, just a monologue. 

You used to come here when we were friends, 

I hope you come again and know that I want to amend. 

True friends are hard to find, 

and I have been blind. 

I am sorry that I took you for granted in the past, 

I was selfish and assumed our friendship would just last. 

I want you to know this fact, and hold it dear:

The friend you used to love, she is still here. 

take care of those you love, and love yourself too

Look at this photograph from 9 years ago, 

when the younger one was still a kid; 

when the family was whole 

because of all the fun things we did. 

How life changes over time, it's funny, 

you blame yourself for what didn't go right. 

You might feel like it, 

but you were not the reason for those fights. 

Sometimes, 

things go haywire when you uproot the anchor, 

you need to remember 

you are not at fault, 

no matter what you have been called. 

Take care of those you love, and love yourself too. 

It is easy to become half a person when your father leaves you. 

acrylic paints and charcoal shades

Beautiful bright day. 

Daffodils and lilies. 

Light blue pond. 

A dead swan. 

Spicy flavorful food. 

Sweet and sour fruits.

A summer fest.

Emptiness. 

Soft pillows. 

Bouncy beds. 

Apparent cape. 

Please escape. 

Acrylic paints.

Charcoal shades.

Choke on tears.

Pain. 

loneliness

In the pursuit of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment, I am left to be lonely. 

It feels like a starless night where I am the moon: shining but by myself, rising but all alone. It feels very empty inside, as if a knock on my body will reveal the hollowness inside. Life feels unreal, in the sense that I am watching it from outside, watching myself do the things I should love to do. I fall asleep almost every night feeling like I am returning back to my life and experiencing the identity of a nobody. 

I am confused, I am doing what I think I want to do, yet I feel so detached from my life, my love, my happiness, everything. 

I feel stuck on the other side of a glass wall, away from that what is disingenuine but I look around and see nothing but myself. And that should be okay, I love myself, but the sense of longingness is what paints my skies dark grey and rainy. 

shiny stone

A shiny stone loses its luster over time, 

the appeal for it steadily declines. 

It is not given special treatment anymore, 

it is not given special care. 

You do not want it beside you always, 

its whereabouts you start thinking less about. 

But it is still the same shiny stone. 

You have just lost your love for it. 

becoming bad

Sipping lemongrass tea from Bali, 

there were days when I was good:

today, I feel that I am not. 

I close my eyes and suddenly

my eyelids feel heavy,

my head hollow, 

my heart tight. 

There is dissatisfaction,

a disapproving gaze, 

I can be better, I should be better.

I should not have disrespected 

a friendship of several years, 

I should not have rushed into 

a newbie's poetic announcement of love.

It matters if they forgive me, or don't, 

but it matters more whether 

I will be able to forgive myself or not. 

I don't want to. I did bad, to myself, to them. 

I wronged myself. 

I wrong them. 

Overcome by the urge to simply

say goodbye

and work on me, 

become a decent human being,

have morals and principles to be proud of. 

Perhaps this is the best time, 

because I am alone

but for 5 people. Maybe 6. 

The lemongrass tea is cold now. 

That brings my thoughts to a close now. 

Should I move two steps ahead

with guilt and doubt

but with people, 

or should I stop, risk losing love, family,

but work on strengthening my character?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Why is it that I cannot work on my character with the people I love around me? 

He will understand this

Windy seas, flying sand

goosebumps on my hand

stinging nose, wet ankle

drew a heart, made Ma happier

in the bus, writing a poem

he told me to write that

he loves me very much

but he is listening to music instead of talking to me

and looking over my shoulder at my poem

What a creep!

Does he understand it?

He will understand this:

I love him too

take care

1. cliche as it sounds, you can only be dependent upon yourself when you need to be cared for. nobody else would want to be there. perhaps they will, but once, or twice, or even thrice, but who wants to care for you again and again and again? that would take a great amount love. a special love. like the love of a parent. or a sibling. a love that makes one care about you more than anything. you are their priority. they will clean your vomit without making you feel ashamed. they will bathe you when you cannot walk. they will walk long distances to bring you what you need. they will care for you. and you will care for them. 

this is certainly a beautiful fantasy. almost too good to be true. 

the harsh truth is that you are not a priority, you are not loved that kind of love, and when you fall sick, when you need emotional comfort, you can only rely on yourself. 

2. happiness. solace. eudaimonia. peace. calmness. joy. i want to experience these every day. i want life to surprise me. i want to wake up with excitement, not knowing what life would throw at me this day. i am never going to be Nalini again. i am never going to live this life again. i want it to be remarkable, epic, amazing. 

some things i am going to do to achieve this:

- explore hong kong. hike, kayak, camp, cycle, walk. every weekend.

- move. do lifting, pilates, yoga, cardio. every day. feel my body. feel the little cells breathing in me. 

- meditate. take a moment to live. breathe. organize my thoughts. feel my lungs work

- love. i want to love myself, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my partner, my roommate, everyone. 

- try new things. gain new experiences. do the things i fear, like diving from a cliff in sai kung or climbing tall structures. 

- achieve. i want to achieve all that i am capable of, and i want to make myself capable of achieving great things. 

- be brave. i am scared. i fear many things. but i want to do it anyway. 

- be kind. because why not? you never know who is in need of that kindness. 

- lead. i want to be a good influence to the people around me, and i want all of us to grow together. 

maybe more but for now, this is it. i want to live a crazy life. a crazy good life. and so what if i feel upset some day and have no one around to comfort me? the whole point is to make myself love me love life. it will happen. i know it will.  

a renter of our things

I'm falling into 

the endless stream of your words, 

the depth of every insult, 

the sharpness of your tongue, 

the source of all my pain in this world:

from the only one I love. 

Kick me out of your new house, 

yet have me around to design it, 

frown upon the shape of my blouse, 

yet stare at other bosoms and deny it, 

making me feel like a renter of our things, 

making me hurt from my heartstring 

i am sorry things have to be this way

I felt shunned

when you sat with your back

facing me

have you forgotten what we have

experienced together?

I wonder why you are here

Is your health okay?

I wish I could ask you.

Even after all the darkness

a part of me still cares.

I hope you will be okay

I will go now, I will get on with my day

I am sorry that things have to be this way

the first time i got flowers

i would like to hike up to any gorgeous peak in Hong Kong and scream because i feel like my heart is going to explode. i would like to jump off from a cliff with a red wingsuit and dive right into the sea and skydive over a field of cotton balls and fly on the back of a blind dragon and roll over in bed straight into the arms of the person i love. 

50 roses don't encapsulate how loved i feel. the first time i have ever received flowers that are truly meant for me. is life real? how did i end up being so lucky? 

my heart is going to explode and i am smiling like an idiot. my professor must be wondering what the fluff is wrong with my face. nothing is wrong. far wrong wrong. life hasn't felt more right, i haven't felt this alive. 

i love that person so much. that person has made me the happiest person alive, given me back the laughter i had lost, made me more joyful, more confident, and stronger than I was yesterday, 

my heart is ever so slightly calmer now. thank you mum for the silver bangles that allegedly has the powers of calming souls. i need it right now, or i might run straight into a wall or chop my hands off unless i find that person i love deeply and release all my love to him. yes. 

i am so happy. 

edit: it's been a couple of hours and i am still smiling. my cheek muscles hurt... in a good way :D

a bartender with no lime or lemon

careful

imagine this

you ask someone to join you

they say yes

you make plans

you envision a happy story 

but they never show up 

they never remember

and all your stories

remain unreal

until you forget

but you can never forget 

can you

it stays in your mind

like you are a ghost

with unfinished business

an author

with an incomplete story 

a bartender

with no lime or lemon 

you

with unfulfilled needs 

The House

 

The first room: unfurnished,

a sad look of adolescence burning,

bright jerseys made dull with time,

screaming, screaming, screaming,

the stench of month old sweat and grass,

I get out of there fast.

 

Two more rooms: messy, untidy,

but the bed still appealing,

windows themselves in asphyxiation,

screaming, screaming, screaming,

as if they were never looked after,

I get out of there faster.

 

The last room at the end of the house,

dark, shadows, dark shadows, cobwebs,

the feeling of death upsetting,

screaming, screaming, screaming,

the murder of the house,

but I’m the one wearing the shroud.