2021, here I come

I have made a list of resolutions every year. And every year, I have failed to achieve them. I hope the fate of 2021 is different. 

So this year, I want to do things differently. And making realistic resolutions is a part of it. 

I want to discover who I want to be. I know who I am, just not what I can be. And it is never to late to be what you might have been. 

I want to learn to accept others’ opinions even if I don’t agree with them. 

I want to be honest with others, even if it breaks hearts in my doing so. 

I want to be able to learn to live with the grief that has taken up permanent residence in my heart. 

I want to learn a new skill and I want to hone my other language skills. 

I want to read more. Appreciate more. Love more. Live more. 

 

But most of all, I want to be able to look back at 2021 next year and not feel an ounce of regret.  

Edit: After my friend told me he messed up and caused trouble for me, I thought it fit to add a new resolution: when shit goes down, be calm. 

it's a beautiful day

The skies are a lovely shade of pink this morning, 

and the seas look ever beautiful reflecting it. 

And though everything is open and clear 

I can't help but adhere

to the scene in my head; I am lost in a jungle

and the canopy is thick, there is no Tyndall effect. 

No light leaks, no sunshine, 

it can be morning or night, but in my head, 

there is nothing known as time. 

It's a globe or a circle, with no beginning, no end. 

I walk, and walk, and walk, 

and step over the same ferns, bleed because of 

the same sharp thorns, hop over the same stalk. 

But outside my head, it's a beautiful day, 

and I can breathe, watch the clouds

as if I'm watching a painting, which it perhaps is, 

because no matter how warm the ways are outside, 

I am still in the jungle and I still can't feel the light. 

stars

 The sky was a midnight blue, tinged with purple streaks of faded clouds. And as we sat there looking at it, indifferent to the cold wiring through our nerves, we saw our breaths expel towards the sky and melt into the clouds.

10/12/20

I woke up one hour late on Friday. I was supposed to board the bus but I was asleep. I did some research and found out that I slept soundly because I was extremely happy the night before. And why was that?

I found someone I thought I had lost. I was swimming in a lavish pool of felicity. I felt this was one of the things done right by me in 2020. 

It was never in my heart to hurt the people whom I loved and who loved me. But I did. And I realised it later than I should have. I was blinded by my own pain. I had thought I was the only one who was hurt. And it was only when I lost them did I realise how I had messed up, partly. The guilt ate away at my heart. I was not so much guilty about hurting them as much as I was about not being able to tell them how sorry I was. And this was something I thought I'd never get to do. 

That is, until they contacted me-- after a year-- and I finally found the opportunity to apologise. I bared my heart to them, every single thing I had kept concealed. The words flowed out of my mouth like a perennial river. I could feel the remorse and guilt slowly rising out and away from my chest. I felt relaxed and happy. As their voice started filling up my brain like snowflakes on the onset of winter, the memories that I had kept hidden for so long started unravelling. Their laugh made me remember the poems I wrote. I could hear them smiling. I could feel a wave of serotonin inching towards me gracefully and engulfing me in its thick blanket. 

That night, I slept like a baby. And even a few days later, today, I find it hard to believe that something which was impossible in my mind actually happened.