she is a queen, but she is not my queen

I hate her because she is selfish even outside of her meaningful mind,

she is captivated by her tyrant thoughts, thundering within her brain, you see-

The thoughts are definitely not one of a kind,

And neither is she.

That I am sad is one thing,

that she makes herself ostentatiously unhappy is another,

We have begun to consider ourselves in regard to each other, vain things;

About the lacuna in my heart, isn't she least bothered.

One, two, five and even seven times,

I try to accept what ruthless masses of blood she has become.

Another eleven, twelve and hundred times she breaks my heart,

And then I question my acceptance before it dies.

In the same position; but I know the magnitude of mine is larger,

they say the struggle is real,

Well, losing a part of your own blood is a lot harder,

than being stuck in a looping staircase that's surreal.

Innumerable times have I wanted and wondered and wished,

to tell her the absolute truth about my death that awaits,

in the corners of my house for there lurks,

The wretched remains of my birth-giver's unfathomable fate.

"baby, fight.." mother rhino cried.

So the baby rhino said to her mother,

“mother look! My horn is getting bigger and stronger!

I will wait for the day it will be as magnificent as yours!”

“Yes, my daughter, I hope it will be stronger and finer,

The best of them all”

So she waited and waited,

For her horn to get better,

She and her mother separated.

One day they met, mother's eyes were wet.

Baby rhino gasped, “mother, you're bleeding, where is your horn?!”

Mother cried and with pain in her eyes, said

“Humans are coming, your friends were killed after being poached, merely out of vengeance.

Humans are coming, run, it has hurt me a lot,

These are your mother's last words, my dear,

Run, run far away, and never get caught”.

The baby rhino, now all big, with a magnificent horn of her own,

Lived in fear, fear of losing her horn,

But a greater fear of letting her own daughter see her the way

She saw her mother dehorned and in pain.

She encountered human horn traders, poached,

Her horn fell off with now a bloody mass of brain.

She said the same words to her daughter,

that her mother had said to her.

Saw her daughter panic in fear,

Closed her eyes and slipped a tear.

I don't accept myself, why do you?

You look in the mirror,

You have an image to maintain.

But it is difficult,

Difficult to be someone you are not comfortable being,

Unless you go insane.

You look in the mirror,

You have a good body,

The kind of body that isn't skinny

That isn't beautiful

But it's normal, with an okay stomach

And a nose that isn't runny.

You look in the mirror,

And grimace.

It's not who you want to be,

You want to be healthy, muscular,

STRONG.

Then why are you hiding under that average skin?

You want to accept yourself before

They accept you,

As someone you are not

As someone you don't want to be.

You look in the mirror,

And sob.

They see a fair lady,

You see something they can't,

The oozing black sinful blood seeping from every pore,

The insecurities, jealousy, hopelessness and unhappiness.

How can they love someone you are without knowing the real you?

stabbed

 I thought about stopping everything, ceasing everything to an almighty halt. And I did it. What happened? I realized that everything I do for everyone foes unnoticed and that actually nobody knows what I do. It turns out that I thank them for doing what they do, but never get the same for myself. 

spinning too close then spinning away

Right now, this moment that we are enjoying,
a moment with happiness beyond measure,
and love beyond infinite;
this moment will just fade into a story
in the back of our minds.
When we were having a conversation that was erudite,
and turned it into a joke with giggles that lingered,
we smiled and smiled and promised each other,
that we would stay together.
But that promise is still in the Recycle Bin.
When we chatted away,
and I promised to be by your side forever,
and believed in it for months and months-
then years after, it's a memory as small as a pin.
When we smiled at each other with tear streaked faces,
and firmly said that this would be the last time we
all get into a fight,
but then we fought again
and again
and again
all through morning and night.
When we were on the swing in my park,
and we looked at each,
I knew I was thinking about
how I would wait forever,
even if you would carry around a lot of clout,
even if you would stop talking to me.
But now I laugh at that thought,
and then cry.
How our beloved memories simply fall,
fall,
fall,
and fall,
through the infinitely cloudy voids
of our minds.

The falling never comes to an end,
it's like a circular remote loop.
The memories fall and fall
and some days, we catch a glimpse of them.
But then again, too quick to get a hold
they vanish again -
to continue their unrestrained discoidal journey.

-Nalini

a speck in the universe

You got that right Wordsworth,

I really do wander like a lonely cloud.

A lonely cloud along with so many other lonely clouds.

So if all are lonely...no one is. 

Still, sometimes I roam lonely as a cloud.

I'm standing in a crowd, with a crowd, 

actually just a part of  the crowd. 

But I feel lonely, 

like nobody wants to be with the real me. 

They all like the cloud who-

 is feather light, and never blocks the Sun,

the Sun who is the only thing that shines. 

Still, sometimes I sit irrelevant as a stone. 

A stone, a pebble, grit, shingle-

my names, but who even cares?

My self is as irrelevant;

as my name, as my body

as my existence. 

"I'm Pebble," I say

"oh hi pobel! " they retort,

they find me extraneous,

that's what they meant. 

Still, sometimes I float robotically as a dandelion.

I float here and there,

get blown to places I never choose to go.

I disperse to wherever the wind pushes me,

my choice is as my own

as it does not belong.

I keep floating, 

on and on and on.

the hospital

The hospital is a depressing place,
a gloomy, unhappy, dolorous space.
In one moment, all your hopes can be lifted;
in one second, all your hopes can be shattered.
The number of deaths are unlisted,
so naturally, many-a souls have drifted,
through the minds in uneasiness clatter,
where lives are simply just 'matter'.

The atmosphere tears at your heart,
sometimes with additional scalding pain.
The loss of a body part,
sometimes the loss of a family member.

They say, grief of separation is inescapable.
Oh, how true it is.
That day, when I held his trembling fingers in mine,
his weak hand with my strong hand entwined,
I realised my biggest and greatest fear.
I never want to lose you.
I will fight, claw, smash, break and tear,
I will bargain with the Devil himself,
in fact, I will contribute my blood myself,
but no, I will not bear losing you.

These thoughts run through your mind,
in the hospital where it's destined.
That is why, I say and I believe-
Hospitals depress you, promise to retrieve,
but sometimes make the patient's life cease. 

-Nalini

Stop Copying Me

Isn't it great to have an identity of your own?
"There's no one like you."
Like the flower anemone?
It's true.
Having your own identity is amazing.
Being different than those 'few'.

But what happens when,
someone copies your style?
Annoying...
I am an autophile.

I don't see what they get when they copy me,
it's like being an ocean,
and they become your sea.
The Ocean is authentic,
bigger, and stronger.
But the sea is where-
all the people gather.

Shame...the ocean unwillingly drains into the sea,
the sea which ultimately survives because of the ocean.
It would be impossible to feel,
the waves of the sea.
If it didn't drain off from the ocean.

I stand by my values,
stand by my faith.
I know myself,
you're just an eighth.

You're just a clone.
I change with time,
you commit crimes-
by thieving an identity.
I am River Nile,
you are a copy-o-phile.

-Nalini

The Devil is our friend

I once read something,
and got highly inspired. 
The Devil got to know my wants,
by eavesdropping on my conversation. 
One day he turned up at my heart's door,
not in his usual attire. 
I opened the door, 
instead of saying "I can't".
There he stood,
wearing everything I ever wished for. 
I welcomed him in my heart's small,
stupidly awaiting my own fall. 
Once inside,
he stripped himself away;
I was crestfallen, seeing my wishes fading,
so I asked him not to stay.
He said, "Sure,  I will go-
but not so soon my dear. 
I'll make torture feel so slow,
& be the reason of all your fears."
So I sat him down,
and brought out tea.
"If you're here for the round," I said
"Let's talk if you're free."
He took a black cup 
of black tea,
and ate some biscuits. 
"I am hungry and untied," he said.
"Let's talk, come and sit"
So I sat with him,
and asked him how he knew what I wanted,
for I was angry that God told him. 
He lied at first,
but soon gave in.
Yes, God told him my wishes,
he commited a Godly sin.
I told him about the perils of life,
about how broken I was.
The Devil costively dropped his smile
and let a tear come forth,
"I'm actually making you bolder,
I'm teaching you to survive.
So that if you ever need a crying shoulder,
you will make your own smile."
And it all made sense,
then and there.

The problems we get,
the unloyal friends.
Everything has a purpose,
primilarily to make us stronger.
Strong as iron.
Unbreakable,
indestructible,
infrangible.


-Nalini

what do I actually wish for?

I wish somebody would write letters for me,
like I did for them.
I wrote thousands of words for one boy, but I hated the outcome.
I wrote hundreds of words for one girl, but she didn't appreciate, too dumb.

I wish somebody would make me laugh by making weird faces,
sure, I did it too, but now I'm tired and my face has traces.
For all my friends, I made funny poses but they're all silent cases.

I wish somebody would make me cry in peals of laughter,
'cause I did it for them too.
I found their deepest and darkest monster,
and made them giggle because of my Joke Flu.

I wish somebody would stop being self centered,
And also try and see my efforts.
Yes, I notice yours too but...
Your selfishness makes me hurt.

I wish somebody would read and try to understand my poetry,
it would be amazing if I knew someone was interested..
Somebody could love my poem-sea,
And marvel at how my feelings have been adjusted.

I have come to realise that everyone is different,
but I still wish someone does these for me.
I don't think twice before doing something stupid,
I make them smile but they don't see.

And this makes me sad.
I feel really bad.
But I don't really care now,
all my actions are slowly falling down.

I am submitting my goddamn crown.


-Nalini

I am okay and I am not

My hands are getting cold,
I accept reality but I don't.
My fingers are losing feeling,
so many secrets I am keeping.
To help someone who doesn't want to be helped,
to love someone who doesn't want my love,
to be with someone who doesn't want my company,
To admire someone but she already has many.
This is my life.
And these are my words.
My relationship with people is limited to strifes,
All the shit you see? That's what I stirred.
Someone I call my best friend tells me she isn't real,
oh come on, is that all you can feel?
I put my guard down for some months,
I see it did no good.
In fact, I pulled some deathly stunts,
But on the outside unaffected I stood.
One two three nine,
I tell you I'm fine
And I really am.
Oval circle sphere dot,
I tell you I'm fine
But actually I'm not.

-Nalini

Some days I feel

Troubled,
some days it feels like
the world is on my shoulders,
so much pressure on me.
And some days it seems like
I have a bloody owner
who does not let me free.
How oppressed can you make me feel?
Until one day I'll break away.
Or I'll break down.
I can be hard like steel,
Or soft like rubber that sways...
Or? I can be brittle,
and submit my crown.

Some days I feel like
the world's on my shoulders,
that everyone is choking me.
And some days it seems like
my strength is almost over,
that everyone is mocking me.


-Nalini
(inspiration 

In my heart

Deep in my heart, 

I know that it's over.

You gave me the cold shoulder. 
But it's me who made it start. 
I can still try to make a difference,
but you are ignorant. 
And you make me waste all my efforts. 
I know that people change,
but I didn't expect it from you. 
That's why it hit me so hard,
you suddenly became so cruel. 
Deep in my heart, 
I know that's it over.
That all we held close is,
now a wilted clover.
That all we made once,
is now a mile apart.

That all we made true is...
now just a joke for you.



-Nalini

good intentions turn bad?

I want to shield you from all evil,

but there's nowhere we can hide.

If the worse is by your side,

I'll get my axe and kill it.

But...

What can I do if the demon is in me?

What can I do to make you see...

the real murderer in me?

Who have I murdered? 

I murdered myself. 

I was the prey, and I was the wolf. 

I killed my innocence,

I killed my love.

I chose the wrong way.

It has been done and I can never revert it.

Or can I? 

I was the bomb and I threw myself away.

-Nalini

A friend for show

When you ask me why I'm sad, 
it becomes difficult to tell. 
But before I let the words out,
you tell me how hard you fell. 
It's just a general question,
it means nothing to you.
All you care about is
reacting to my problems
 by saying "Me too!"
Don't you realise how heartless it seems? 
You ask me why I'm so loud, 
only to pause and scream. 
You make my problems seem negligible,
by saying "oh that's so relatable!"

If you are so self centered,
continue being so.
I'll remember you as the friend 
who cared about me just for show.


-Nalini

poison disposition

You have a poison disposition,

truly toxicant. 

I am intoxicated by your words

even though they sting.

The messy disarrangement 

of my feelings, 

adrenaline kicks in. 

I tell you what I feel, 

I give you my love and then-

you crush my heart

and throw it in the bin.  

This is prevalent, 

 so this time I let you go. 

I let you go. 

I find my broken heart,

mend each of the broken piece. 

I fix it in such an art; 

that, 

nobody can break it again.

-Nalini

my bloody valentine

You were my rose,

I held you too tightly. 

And then, my fingers tightened their grip

too close.

Made my hand bleed, the thorns. 

Scratched my hand; the long, sharp vine. 

You will always be my bloody valentine. 

You were my balloon, 

I never let you go.

Filled with poisonous gas, you popped.

And then, I couldn't breathe no more. 

You could never be mine.

You will always be my bloody valentine. 

You were my heart,

and I never let you go frantic.

Secured you close,

held you tight

when your vibration rose. 

And then, my heart broke. 

You will always be my bloody valentine. 

-Nalini

they love you for being me

Don't be that way.
You're an epigone,
I'm the mirror. 
What you currently say,
is what I've said long ago on the phone. 
You copy me, 
copy friend, stay away. 
Or the personal police,
I'll be sending your way.
You're just a clone.
You're my clone.
You are fake, not original. 
You can be a person, but it's conditional. 
However, I am authentic.
Where's your permit?
I never said yes to copy me,
you know people love you,
but they actually see me. 

-Nalini

Are you still in love?

we're different,
apart from accompanying each other,
we have nothing in common.
I'd hate to bother,
about this but we do have some fun...

We're broken at the same places,
watching our friends reunite with people we besotted. 
We see them hand in hand,
laughing at something we have no clue about.
It makes us awkward when they talk to each other 
in front of us, in and out. 
We see them and realise they are flawless,
we see ourselves and see imperfections everywhere. 
Our lives are such a mess,
meanwhile...they look at each other in love and care. 

It bothers me so much,
even though I'm not in throes of love anymore.
Are you, my partner? 
Is your love-deprived scar still sore?

-Nalini

i hate her

I am broken.
She walked out on me?
Again.
I should have been more prudent.
Why did I have to trust her crushed smile?
Why did I have to fall for her?
I couldn't bear her being with someone else,
because I thought I loved her more than anyone else.
Did I love her?
I loved her good parts...
I loved her senseless jokes,
and her smokeless farts.
But I hated her occasional negativity.
And I hated her realness.

I hated her flaws,
there were too many of them.
Anyways, she left me now.
And according to the "love laws".
I won't give a f*ck about her!

-Nalini

To be or not to be?

"She's always happy",
they chant.
Can't see through the mask,
she feels crappy.
She laughs with you from morning to night,
making you unaware of her plight.
She can't feel the happiness she shows,
she can't change dramatically, she knows.
She needs  to be there for her sad friend.
She needs to be there for her crying sister.
She needs to be able to send
something more than just a whisper.
She needs to be that pillar of strength,
her voice needs to be louder,
she has to increase the wavelength.

She has to be who she is expected to be,
she has to be who everyone wants to see.

-Nalini

RIP, good deeds

I am unhappy. 

I feel discontent with who I have become, 

and what all I see. 

Surrounded by random people,

but they all turn sanctimonious 

when they learn about my malevolence. 

They tell me they love me, 

but do they know me?

How can they love me when I don't even know me. 

I look in the mirror, 

and see 50 shades of myself. 

Which one am I?

I let the mirror engulf. 

The limelight is on my wrong deeds,

they outshine the exemplary.

After all the pressure,

all the good is lost in a flurry. 

-Nalini

Shoot the Bird

A new bird,
I now fly higher.
Feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm a fast flier, 
I can carry heavy boulders;
and soar the entire world. 

I welcome epiphanies,
they expose me to new people,
and teach me how to craft myself better. 
I'm like money,
you want me to use me, isn't subtle. 
Please be kinder. 

I wonder how you would react to my loss, 
you seem to carry on through life without a pause. 

Looks like I wasn't worthy, which is why you didn't preserve,
but sweetie, I already know what I deserve :)

-Nalini

SOULMATES

As we lay in the dark, 
with linked hands;
I couldn't stop loving the world we made.
Wherever we went, 
we left a mark. 
I stare at our fingers,
entwined under the blanket of stars.
I love you more,
more than the distance between Mercury,
Venus and Mars. 
So- let's keep gazing at God's creations:
a bird and its feathers,
let the Universe see and believe
that we are made for 
each other. 

-Nalini

Once Realised, Never Forgotten

How am I supposed to accept your love and affection again?
'Cause you were the one who left me in pain. 

In that phase, I had realised a lot of things;
one of them was never to trust human beings. 

You say you are sorry, that you still love me;
I try to believe it but apparently, that's not what I see. 

How can I believe I love you?
How can I accept that this is true?

...How can I ever forget this realisation?
Unless it leads to another destruction. 

-Nalini

You See What I Show You

The perfect student, layered with badges.
You think I'm rich I have a lot of gadgets.

But in real, I struggle, my family does too.
All my books are old but you think they're new.

My smile is sincere, my chest is straight.
If it weren't for the calendar, I'd never know the date.

Honestly, its true - don't judge a book by it's cover, 
Yes I am intelligent but not really clever. 


-Nalini

The Good Man Dies

Enclosed in my room, tears spill to my eyes;
I still can't believe how easily everyone lies.

As far as I have noticed, the good man always loses.
The bad man finds his way above despite what he chooses.

I ask myself, is being a good person really necessary?
'Cause the world only sees your bad..for them, all your good is blurry. 

-Nalini

Everything is Dim

Barely noticeable, I see darkness advancing towards me.
Pain strikes through my thoughts like thunder on sea.

I close my eyes as unwanted memories rush in,
my heart pounds frantically because even inside me...everything is dim.

Everything is calm now, everything is silent like the sea....
and before I know it, darkness is back to invade me.

-Nalini