Thursday, May 30, 2019

NOW

I want to know why you have turned into this person,
a person you weren't when, at least, I was there in the depths of your heart.
Why is there an unfriendly smile for me without reason,
when I was the one who made fired up your emotions and made them start.
But then again, does it matter?
Not really..
But I did occupy space with you and I did share mass,
I did sit on the same bench, the same swing set,
I did hold your shoulder when you would cry,
And I did soothe your nose when it was swollen and wet,
I did write a thousand words for you,
And I did call you over.
I did console you with a caressing voice,
And I did wish the best for you,
Until and also after it was over.
But surely, I did matter then and I don't matter now.
Is 'now' now? Or the second that went by,
or 2 seconds before that,
or 3 or 4....
But this 'now' is desperately long.
I have not been replaced in namely position yet,
but in the emotional position I held.
I know it's complicated but now there is somebody else who holds your hand,
And hugs you back,
And makes you laugh.
But I don't think there is someone who can write a thousand words for you,
All true
And full of meaning.
But then again, our now stretches forever into the hours and days and months next.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Don't hurt me


Words hurt, like
“You’re stupid” right to the heart’s core.
He runs away;
And slams the door.
Reaches home and holds a blade,
Tears fall down in a cascade.
He says, “where did I go wrong?
I have tried to be so strong.”
But he draws bloody lines on his arm,
Running through in his- a storm.
He drops the blade and washes his body,
Cries, “”why can I not be more sporty?”
“Why do people hate my fat?”
They answer,
“Because you are the only one who has that flab.”
He skips gym class,
Despite being a scholar with full marks.
Receives a C+ Grade,
Because he was scared, didn’t attend the class.
Hoping for just one friendly smile,
To help him walk that extra mile.
….he was scared.
Lonely in the whole world,
Fearful not of the dark but the monsters in it.
Apprehensive not of his body but the people who kill it.
Why can’t fat not be beautiful?
Why can’t people learn to accept themselves and others,
The way the really are?
Why does someone’s pimple or his maggi hair bother you?
The pimple wouldn’t but the words will always leave a scar.

Friday, May 24, 2019

An apology

If you know me, you would know that I have always asked my friends to love themselves so that they could learn to love others. But today, I am going to write about self hatred instead of self love.

If there is anything about me, it is that I am not good at expressing my gratitude.
If I like you, and I talk to you a lot, you have probably noticed that I am caring one moment and completely sarcastic the next.
You must've seen a change in me, like multiple attitudes. And maybe, I hurt you because of it. 
I might've been very interested in your life one day, and extremely disinterested the other. 
Maybe you've felt bad...you might've changed your views about me but hey, I'm still the good person you used to talk to.

So consider this an apology, a letter, a poem, a song, anything, but know that it comes straight from my heart. 

You are so nice to me.
You seem interested in my life and show me lots of love.
You tell me that as friends: we were meant to be,
like the sand and the sea.
It makes me happy.
And whenever I am happy,
a feeling of fear, a chill creeps into my body from my heart.
I feel scared,
euphoria turns into despondency because of the fear
that I will do something wrong to mess it up.
And that feeling of depression and desolation ruins me.
It brings a change, a weak metanoia;
but a metanoia still
that destroys the moment.
And that is how one day you are speaking to an elated soul,
and the next- a completely different one.
And how I mess up perfect friendships just like that,
makes me want to run on the ground and fall into a hole.
How is it that I can wish so hard for a moment to come,
and then ruin it by doing something really bad?

My heart tears at my mind for doing that,
and I tear at my soul;
and an apology is required.
I am sorry for killing the sapling you sowed in our garden.
Sorry for killing something that was meant to be a giant tree.
And I know, if you cared about it, a mistake like this can never be pardoned.
I am sorry for all the stories I had to render incomplete.