He will understand this

Windy seas, flying sand

goosebumps on my hand

stinging nose, wet ankle

drew a heart, made Ma happier

in the bus, writing a poem

he told me to write that

he loves me very much

but he is listening to music instead of talking to me

and looking over my shoulder at my poem

What a creep!

Does he understand it?

He will understand this:

I love him too

take care

1. cliche as it sounds, you can only be dependent upon yourself when you need to be cared for. nobody else would want to be there. perhaps they will, but once, or twice, or even thrice, but who wants to care for you again and again and again? that would take a great amount love. a special love. like the love of a parent. or a sibling. a love that makes one care about you more than anything. you are their priority. they will clean your vomit without making you feel ashamed. they will bathe you when you cannot walk. they will walk long distances to bring you what you need. they will care for you. and you will care for them. 

this is certainly a beautiful fantasy. almost too good to be true. 

the harsh truth is that you are not a priority, you are not loved that kind of love, and when you fall sick, when you need emotional comfort, you can only rely on yourself. 

2. happiness. solace. eudaimonia. peace. calmness. joy. i want to experience these every day. i want life to surprise me. i want to wake up with excitement, not knowing what life would throw at me this day. i am never going to be Nalini again. i am never going to live this life again. i want it to be remarkable, epic, amazing. 

some things i am going to do to achieve this:

- explore hong kong. hike, kayak, camp, cycle, walk. every weekend.

- move. do lifting, pilates, yoga, cardio. every day. feel my body. feel the little cells breathing in me. 

- meditate. take a moment to live. breathe. organize my thoughts. feel my lungs work

- love. i want to love myself, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my partner, my roommate, everyone. 

- try new things. gain new experiences. do the things i fear, like diving from a cliff in sai kung or climbing tall structures. 

- achieve. i want to achieve all that i am capable of, and i want to make myself capable of achieving great things. 

- be brave. i am scared. i fear many things. but i want to do it anyway. 

- be kind. because why not? you never know who is in need of that kindness. 

- lead. i want to be a good influence to the people around me, and i want all of us to grow together. 

maybe more but for now, this is it. i want to live a crazy life. a crazy good life. and so what if i feel upset some day and have no one around to comfort me? the whole point is to make myself love me love life. it will happen. i know it will.  

a renter of our things

I'm falling into 

the endless stream of your words, 

the depth of every insult, 

the sharpness of your tongue, 

the source of all my pain in this world:

from the only one I love. 

Kick me out of your new house, 

yet have me around to design it, 

frown upon the shape of my blouse, 

yet stare at other bosoms and deny it, 

making me feel like a renter of our things, 

making me hurt from my heartstring 

i am sorry things have to be this way

I felt shunned

when you sat with your back

facing me

have you forgotten what we have

experienced together?

I wonder why you are here

Is your health okay?

I wish I could ask you.

Even after all the darkness

a part of me still cares.

I hope you will be okay

I will go now, I will get on with my day

I am sorry that things have to be this way

the first time i got flowers

i would like to hike up to any gorgeous peak in Hong Kong and scream because i feel like my heart is going to explode. i would like to jump off from a cliff with a red wingsuit and dive right into the sea and skydive over a field of cotton balls and fly on the back of a blind dragon and roll over in bed straight into the arms of the person i love. 

50 roses don't encapsulate how loved i feel. the first time i have ever received flowers that are truly meant for me. is life real? how did i end up being so lucky? 

my heart is going to explode and i am smiling like an idiot. my professor must be wondering what the fluff is wrong with my face. nothing is wrong. far wrong wrong. life hasn't felt more right, i haven't felt this alive. 

i love that person so much. that person has made me the happiest person alive, given me back the laughter i had lost, made me more joyful, more confident, and stronger than I was yesterday, 

my heart is ever so slightly calmer now. thank you mum for the silver bangles that allegedly has the powers of calming souls. i need it right now, or i might run straight into a wall or chop my hands off unless i find that person i love deeply and release all my love to him. yes. 

i am so happy. 

edit: it's been a couple of hours and i am still smiling. my cheek muscles hurt... in a good way :D

a bartender with no lime or lemon

careful

imagine this

you ask someone to join you

they say yes

you make plans

you envision a happy story 

but they never show up 

they never remember

and all your stories

remain unreal

until you forget

but you can never forget 

can you

it stays in your mind

like you are a ghost

with unfinished business

an author

with an incomplete story 

a bartender

with no lime or lemon 

you

with unfulfilled needs