As I look at him, I wonder if we could ever have been something more than just friends, after dating him briefly, for a month. Maybe in another lifetime where he wasn't him or I wasn't me, where he would learn to appreciate people who let down their self respect for him, where he would know what pace to follow in a new relationship, where he would prioritise properly, giving adequate attention to all relationships in his life, not only friends, where he would make promises that he could actually keep, where he would be better at loving.
It is strange how people can be amazing and kind and wonderful and generous in their hearts but end up being assholes at relationships.
As I look at him, I prepare myself for saying "No" to his proposal. It is a miracle I don't fall for his cheeky smile or shy eyes and end up saying "yes".
I take a deep breath, pause and enjoy the last moments I will spend looking into his brown eyes without missing him...but I miss him already.
Instead of reading from the points I typed out on my phone, I look straight at him, who is now looking at his uncooked noodles, and start.
"You know, after my first disaster of a relationship, I really wanted my second to be my last. I wanted it to be the best decision based on love I ever made. I wanted the person with whom I had my first kiss to be my last. Yeah, I am a sucker for hopeless romanticism. But with you, my second (wrong) decision, everything turned out wrong. It made me angry at myself. How could I want to be with someone who decided to pause our relationship only because a mere distance of 10 kilometres or fear of being found out? We are very different and should not be together because we will not last--"
As I say this, he interrupts my soliloquy and says "I get it. I also think we shouldn't date."
I pause. I breathe. I pause. I breathe. I think, "Am I crazy? I wanted to be with someone who, knowing I am a poet and writer, didn't think twice before interrupting my monologue...Wow. He did not even want to listen to my reasoning...cool cool cool cool...okay okay...Good thing I did not say 'yes'."
I smile at him, point towards my phone and say "I have to attend my online classes, bye."
I go to my room and cry.