compassion is a weakness

 I just wanted to mean something. 
Come into their lives as a flicker of happiness, 

maybe hope: 

don't die, life is worth living. 

If I could make them feel alive, I would feel alive too, 

so that's a selfish purpose. So I am selfish. 

So what?

The good deeds don't mean much, 

when your own don't believe it. So why will you?

You're not good. This is the truth. 

I drew, wrote, immortalized them, 

so what? They don't want to be kept alive by me. 

They don't want me. 

You don't mean anything to them. 

They don't understand you. 

Because they don't want to. 

It's not your fault. 

It's not my fault. Compassion is a weakness. 

I'm weak. So

what?

What now?

I should go.

nobody was truly home

Radiohead, radio in my head, 

while my eyes droop in the bus, I 

am tired tonight, I

am sad too. 

I don’t want to go home, I 

want alcohol to wash over

my mind, numb me 

from reality. 

The younger ran away, 

the oldest panicked, 

the giver of life, well 

she used the knife, bled 

her wrist artery, she

died. 

I pushed open the door, 

found my mother on the floor, 

nobody was home. 

I stood there, the door was ajar, 

would her cut leave a scar? 

I reached for the phone 

but it was too far, 

so I took the same knife 

and stabbed until I

touched my bone, then nobody was

truly home. 

Nobody was truly home.

absolut vodka

You wish you knew me earlier. You told me you felt safe with me. My arm supported your back as your head rested right above my heart. I felt my pulse grow steadier as I listened to your heart beat and you listened to mine. (In Hindi we call it dhak dhak and that is what I felt when I held you.) 

You said we should ignore each other next month but live in this moment fully now. I did. I remember how happy it made me feel. 

I don’t want materialistic love, I just want your company. I too felt safe with you, right there in that moment, I wish I could live in it forever. I felt greater than infinite yet less than nothing. 

I felt fluid and I 

felt happy. 

Thank you for that. 

 

i am tired

Please don’t call me / I am tired / the birds are chirping outside / they’re awake but I have not slept yet / I am tired / please go ahead and blow your smoke all over my face / maybe this second hand vapor will kill me / I hope it will / I am tired / pour me shot over shot / it is in inebriation that I feel like I can breathe / an excuse to be myself / I am not drunk / I am tired / I am tired / please don’t call me / I am okay / I am just tired