When I Realise (analysis)

When I realise
The poem starts with "When I Realise". According to the poem, there are broadly three
pointers that the poet realises.

  that sunshine no longer brightens up my eyes, 
no longer makes me run away into the shade; 
rain doesn't make me feel awake anymore,
I stop wanting to catch a butterfly on my finger and make it linger there,
This is the first thing that the poet realises. The first group contains the difference that the poet notices when it comes to nature and earth. It seems that earlier, the poet's eyes used to feel uncomfortable because of the sunshine and therefore, she would run into the shade to shield herself. The remaining two sentences imply that the poet used to feel awake under the rain, and she used to be genuinely interested in life; she used to hold butterflies on her fingers and love them. Now, she doesn't feel that connection with nature.

that I no longer associate flowers with love as I associate it with grief,
and I have begun counting my days backward; 
Counting days backward to the day I had to start living without you,
This is the second set of things that the poet realises. This verse reveals the main incident
that made the poet feel dissociated from reality: it is the loss of a loved one. The poet
associates flowers grief, possibly indicating the death ceremony where she used
flowers to decorate the body of the one she loved and lost. 'Counting my days backwards'
shows that she doesn't care about the future, now her life has been divided into
BEFORE she lost her loved one and AFTER she lost her loved one.

that I start dreaming when I wake up and living when I sleep,
And I no longer wish for class to get over:
it is more like wishing for my life,
This is the third and last set of things that the poet realises after the loss of a loved one. 
She starts dreaming when she wakes up, and living when she sleeps shows her her life has come to an almighty halt when she lost the one she loved. After the incident, she 
seems to enjoy sleeping, probably because she sees the image of the one she lost and relived countless memories. It seems that she matured in a sad way, not hating classes and studying, instead, hating her life without the one whom she lost, therefore wishing that it would simply end. 

I understand that without you
I am merely a pebble who has forgotten loving and living and wishing,
 being in the sun, in the rain, away from pain.
This is the conclusion. The part where she tells what she actually learns when she realises
the above previous changes. It tells us that without 'you' as in the one whom
she loved and lost, she is just a pebble. Pebble indicates a lifeless thing.
Without the person she lost, she is a lifeless being who has no one to
practice her goodness on; she has forgotten the taste of good food, the happiness of
being in rain, and other such happenings that used to mean a lot to her.

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