What if

I once knew a girl very well. I could talk to her about anything. We would always be together, even when we had nothing to say. We would sit in the bus, sometimes holding hands, sometimes resting our heads on each other's shoulders, sometimes giggling about guys, sometimes talking, sometimes not. She was small and petite, I was tall(er) and lean. She studied life, I studied money. Her hair was long and curly, mine was short and wavy. She was vegetarian, I was not. Yet, somehow, we cancelled each other out and tethered to one another like two strong magnets. 

Over the years, I wouldn't say it was a smooth ride. We had our fair share of fights. I think that’s what made our relationship so genuine I could call her my sister. 

But sisters don’t stop talking because of physical distance. They never grow apart. So why did we? It makes me question how strong our bond was. 

Could we have survived changing countries? I think so. If we tried. Is it too late to mend what we broke? Not if we both wanted to fix it. But do we want to? I want to. Does she? I think not. Every time we talk about our friendship, it sounds like a chapter that’s been closed. But if she’s at peace with it, I should be too. 

Now I’m sitting here, bathing in regret, thinking “what if...?” 

nihilism

Undeniably, 

I feel forlorn, 

forever alone

a dead firefly,

a peacock without its feathers,

a tiger without its stripes;

is this where I'm meant to be?

"No focus? No matter! 

We're all going to die anyway!"

But if that's the case then why not just kill yourself?

It won't make a difference, would it? 

For death is inevitable, 

unless you make a deal with the devil, 

and who knows if he'll break the deal?

Who knows anything at all?

Am I going to carry my awards or medals when I die?

My wealth, my friends, my love:

these are little tangents to the circle of life, 

you are born 

and then you die. 

Why do anything at all?

Why think about why you feel like this

because at the end of the day

what does it even matter?

cwcc

 Sometimes you just feel like an outside in your own life. You can smile and laugh and crack a joke with others, but when it’s just you- you’re different. You feel like you’re hovering over your own body: detached, miserable, lonely. There’s an aching desire in the pit of your stomach but you never know what it is. You just know that this isn’t where or how you’re meant to be. You watch time ticking away and you know you’ll never get these minutes back, but you still stay in your bed and look at the clouds or the stars or the mist and feel absolutely and utterly misplaced.