1. cliche as it sounds, you can only be dependent upon yourself when you need to be cared for. nobody else would want to be there. perhaps they will, but once, or twice, or even thrice, but who wants to care for you again and again and again? that would take a great amount love. a special love. like the love of a parent. or a sibling. a love that makes one care about you more than anything. you are their priority. they will clean your vomit without making you feel ashamed. they will bathe you when you cannot walk. they will walk long distances to bring you what you need. they will care for you. and you will care for them.
this is certainly a beautiful fantasy. almost too good to be true.
the harsh truth is that you are not a priority, you are not loved that kind of love, and when you fall sick, when you need emotional comfort, you can only rely on yourself.
2. happiness. solace. eudaimonia. peace. calmness. joy. i want to experience these every day. i want life to surprise me. i want to wake up with excitement, not knowing what life would throw at me this day. i am never going to be Nalini again. i am never going to live this life again. i want it to be remarkable, epic, amazing.
some things i am going to do to achieve this:
- explore hong kong. hike, kayak, camp, cycle, walk. every weekend.
- move. do lifting, pilates, yoga, cardio. every day. feel my body. feel the little cells breathing in me.
- meditate. take a moment to live. breathe. organize my thoughts. feel my lungs work
- love. i want to love myself, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my partner, my roommate, everyone.
- try new things. gain new experiences. do the things i fear, like diving from a cliff in sai kung or climbing tall structures.
- achieve. i want to achieve all that i am capable of, and i want to make myself capable of achieving great things.
- be brave. i am scared. i fear many things. but i want to do it anyway.
- be kind. because why not? you never know who is in need of that kindness.
- lead. i want to be a good influence to the people around me, and i want all of us to grow together.
maybe more but for now, this is it. i want to live a crazy life. a crazy good life. and so what if i feel upset some day and have no one around to comfort me? the whole point is to make myself love me love life. it will happen. i know it will.