Thursday, December 31, 2020

2021, here I come

I have made a list of resolutions every year. And every year, I have failed to achieve them. I hope the fate of 2021 is different. 


So this year, I want to do things differently. And making realistic resolutions is a part of it. 


I want to discover who I want to be. I know who I am, just not what I can be. And it is never to late to be what you might have been. 


I want to learn to accept others’ opinions even if I don’t agree with them. 


I want to be honest with others, even if it breaks hearts in my doing so. 


I want to be able to learn to live with the grief that has taken up permanent residence in my heart. 


I want to learn a new skill and I want to hone my other language skills. 


I want to read more. Appreciate more. Love more. Live more. 

 

But most of all, I want to be able to look back at 2021 next year and not feel an ounce of regret.  


Edit: After my friend told me he messed up and caused trouble for me, I thought it fit to add a new resolution: when shit goes down, be calm. 


Sunday, December 13, 2020

10/12/20

I woke up one hour late on Friday. I was supposed to board the bus but I was asleep. I did some research and found out that I slept soundly because I was extremely happy the night before. And why was that?
I found someone I thought I had lost. I was swimming in a lavish pool of felicity. I felt this was one of the things done right by me in 2020. 

It was never in my heart to hurt the people whom I loved and who loved me. But I did. And I realised it later than I should have. I was blinded by my own pain. I had thought I was the only one who was hurt. And it was only when I lost them did I realise how I had messed up, partly. The guilt ate away at my heart. I was not so much guilty about hurting them as much as I was about not being able to tell them how sorry I was. And this was something I thought I'd never get to do. 

That is, until they contacted me-- after a year-- and I finally found the opportunity to apologise. I bared my heart to them, every single thing I had kept concealed. The words flowed out of my mouth like a perennial river. I could feel the remorse and guilt slowly rising out and away from my chest. I felt relaxed and happy. As their voice started filling up my brain like snowflakes on the onset of winter, the memories that I had kept hidden for so long started unravelling. Their laugh made me remember the poems I wrote. I could hear them smiling. I could feel a wave of serotonin inching towards me gracefully and engulfing me in its thick blanket. 

That night, I slept like a baby. And even a few days later, today, I find it hard to believe that something which was impossible in my mind actually happened.