fall down, walls

 a long time ago i had a fallout with a friend, and one of the things we fought about was me not opening up. i recall myself reinforcing my walls in many instances in the past. the reason is clear to me - i regretted baring my heart to those who do not remain. 

but I'm really proud of myself now. there are some things i never thought i would tell my friends, but now i have. from telling 1 person throughout 2021 and 2022, to telling 3 people in 2024 already. man. it took a lot of bravery, and I'm not sure if many of you will understand that. sharing such a personal thing with others. expecting them to understand it. love you for it. understand who you are... 

and in doing this, i hope i will forge stronger bonds, and i hope that the friends i deprived this intimacy from, have moved on from me and are happy and loved wherever they are. I'm sorry that their friendship turned into a lesson for both me and them, but I'm happy that we can learn and become better people no matter where we are. it means we still helped each other, even though it might not have been intentionally. 

happy new year ;)

hello everyone, or to the few who come here sometimes, 

happy new year :) sorry for being a bit late. i have been enjoying life. 

by no means does this mean that there haven't been hardships. oh no no no. there have been many. but resilience is a nice skill to hone. 

besides, there are some people i quite love. and i might not talk to them everyday, but hey. i still love them. as of late: family, a, m, a, s, z, n, p... 

tiny little shoutout, i guess. 

there are still parts of me that pause in doubt before admitting that i actually do like someone and care about them. i suppose it is because i am scared they don't feel the same way. and i'm not saying that is isn't entirely plausible for them to not feel the same, but i guess i'm just scared of admitting that and then being openly hurt later. like with L. that was an L for me, lol, but still. i suppose it shapes you. 

i'm just grateful for life, and i am proud of myself. i really need to take a moment to realize that life has not been easy for me. just because i haven't told anyone about the great grievances of my life, doesn't mean i can't take a moment for myself to be proud of what i have been through and how i persevered. 

besides, i think, you - whoever you are - must know me well enough to be here. hey, if we haven't talked, and we are friends, just come and say "hi nalini". you never know what might happen.

dhamaka

alright, that is all. 

mini announcement: my second book will be published soon. well not soon, but yes. and i hope you like it. it's for you anyways. not for the world but for you. isn't that crazy? writing to reveal your deep, innermost fantasies, dreams, and thoughts to your friends? maybe you won't know what i mean, or maybe you will. i hope you do. 

have a great year!

love,
nalini aka
soberly drunk poetry