unhappily aware

Time, galaxies, a soul

authenticity, fearlessness, 

a scarcity; a need to feel, 

to not lead a life untouched. 

a life and I so passionately intertwined, 

a life of honesty and integrity, 

fun and subjectivity, 

a life that changes

not one that hides fear behind purity. 

a life lived for self and not for the third perspective, 

painfully in touch with what’s within, 

not carefully shielded from the uncomfortable feeling. 

ignorance isn’t bliss because knowing is sorrowful

it’s bliss when action follows awareness. 

without that, knowing is painful, it invokes 

unending, powerful, distressing shame 

a vicious cycle that makes you lose yourself the more you know yourself, 

because inaction makes you hide, and a conscious effort is made to become blissfully unaware. 

this bliss is false and deep within there is a truth

that is known but chosen to be unacknowledged 

how should one move past it? 

it’s like being tangled in a prison of your own creation, 

to break through the roots that are holding you down, you have to cut through what you think is your own. 

so you can’t. And the grip gets tighter. And you stay unhappily aware. 

छोटे किससे पर दास्तान नहीं

हम साथ हैं पर हैं नहीं,

मिलते हैं पर कोई नज़ाकत नहीं।

छोटे किस्से पर दास्तान नहीं,

खुला आसमान लेकिन परछाई नहीं।

तो क्या फ़ायदा इस राब्ते का,

जिस सफ़र में कोई सच्चाई नहीं? 

क्या लिखें उस पन्ने पर

जिस कहानी में कोई गहराई नहीं? 

a shameless desire

quietness and patience,

and yet a lingering desire; 

a tendency to disappear, 

and yet hope for a glimpse. 

even if brief and fleeting 

a chance of meeting

another intersection in intersecting lines

a view from and not of the skyline

a visual unmoving but electric

admit that there’s perfection in asymmetry 

admire that there’s beauty in what is messy

quietness and patience 

and a shameless desire 

a tendency to disappear 

and to catch a glimpse. 

a soul unwired, its willingness to desire 

and a bravery to admit it 

even though it can’t win everything! 

a sun that was actually behind you

The sun shines bright right in front of my eyes, 
a brilliant sparkle, a yellow almost white.
Pale shadows and the Tyndall effect, 
a pull so strong you don’t need a drive. 

Inching closer and closer the landscape opens up,
The buildings give way to the expanse, 
but then you find that your vision was corrupt.

You were chasing the mirror reflection
of a sun that was actually behind you. 

Feeling lost and betrayed now? 
Such is life without inner drive.
Trust not your eyes but your mind.
It leads you even when you’re blind. 

I meant what I said, it was an unintentional rhyme. 
The point is that it doesn’t matter when the force comes from within,
it feels unshakable and uninfluenced by external whims. 

आज को जीने नहीं देता

गद्दार, बेवफ़ा है यह मन की आदत 

जो सदियों पुरानी बातें दिखाए जैसे कल, 

और कल की बातें जैसे कभी हुई ही नहीं। 

जो जा चुके है, उनका वापसी संभव, 

जो आँखों के सामने, वह है ही नहीं। 

भला क्यों है ऐसा, मन का मन जो चाहे, 

क्यों मैं भी? ज़बरदस्ती? 

जो एक दिन थे आसमान जैसे साफ़, बेदाग, 

आज है मिटी हुई तहरीरें, जो लिखा था इसमें 

अब याद नहीं।

चालक है यार मन, लेकिन सिर्फ़ दिल के लिए

ताकि वह फ़िरसे जीने की हिमाफ़त कर सके। 

रात को सोने से पहले मैं कभी मन पर गुस्सा होती हूँ, 

पर वह हसकर कहता है की 

यादों को भूलना ज़रूरी था मेरे दोस्त,

वरना गुज़रा हुआ कल आज को जीने नहीं देता। 

बात तो सही है। भोज भारी नहीं है, हम आगे चल सके। 

it should not feel extinguished, that is the point

a dilemma, to accept little or 

to expect the best, 

to define "little" by self, 

is it a lens too harsh?

too critical? but the same lens

defines "the best" too easy

so it cancels out.

polarizing, extreme views:

love the way I want, or

don't love at all, leave, 

such is the nature of my expectations,

regrettably, I know it appears I condescend

on every lover, every friend

but I only demand for what I give,

it is fair, how an epic bond is built.

awareness is a gift, and I know 

I project my quixotic desires unto others,

a love for the books, 

a friendship for the movies,

but I want it. I demand it.

there lies a burning passion

in my heart, and it must be matched

if it feels extinguished, 

what is the point?

if should not feel extinguished

that is the point.

be able to look yourself in your eye

old memories, thick haze,

castles destroyed in craze.

living vial, moments reconstructed,

coercing 'chosen' to be 'stuck with'.

loving emails, frayed notes,

the last of the heart before it broke.

sun shining, new beginnings, 

forgiveness so that life feels fulfilling.

a you newer, pain is dimmer,

movement comes from turning the eye inward.

pain caused is forgiven, but the battles not forgotten,

you can rise only when the walls have truly fallen.

let it sink, let it tear,

you can listen beyond what you hear.

go away from the light, blanket of darkness

now is the time to get it off your chest.

still, in order to heal

love yourself fully, and be honest

you have to do justice to your soul.

always be in sync, never lie to yourself

will anything into existence, and most importantly,

be able to look yourself in your eye.

It is to be buoyant!

There is a panic that lives in the open blue, 

the dizziness of the legs when they kick against nothing,

the instinct to seek the floor, 

the reassuring grit of sand beneath the heel,

the yearning to stand on something named, not something formless. 

This is the tension between fluidity and structure, the dizziness of looking within and not knowing yourself.

Look down, see the gradient fade, turquoise to navy, navy to the absolute black of the unknown self. 

There is no bedrock there. 

No stone where the name is carved.

No foundation to hold the weight of a history.

The vertigo is the realization that the vessel has no anchor, that self does not exist.

Watch the body when it stops fighting, when you stop looking for yourself,

the moment that desire for solid earth is released, the water accepts your weight.

The lack of a floor = the gift of suspension

What cannot be stood upon can still be floated through. This is ocean and not concrete.

To be undefined is not to be lost. It is to be buoyant! 

underneath lies a soft exterior, you are still walking in red light

Your presence burns bright in my memories long after we’ve parted ways, 

and in spite of being pierced by your cruel words the same way you would see a sourdough bread be cut open,

my true opinion of you hasn’t changed.

Underneath the harshness lies a soft exterior, 

one that can love and be loved, one that is kind and gentle, 

for your sake (but mostly mine), I choose to remember you that way. 

Call it delusion if it isn’t compassion, even I will never know.

So while you’ve villainized me and CTRL+X’ed everything we’ve ever had together, 

I consciously choose to remember the good days with a smile instead of sorrow.

That being said, the grief you caused me does haunt me at night, 

where in my dreams you take the form of a devil washed in red light.

LesGo Epic

Let the seeds fly off naturally from this dandelion head, 
don’t touch it with urgent hands, don’t force the bend, 
you may be using it as a marker to show you’ve moved on,
or you may secretly be using it to sever what’s left of our emotional bond, 
but please don’t do that, let it stay, 
allow it to be a memorial of what was never grey, 
a moment frozen in time, happiness depicted, 
you might have let go, but that era was still epic. 

fierce and wilding

It found me in my blistering dreams, 
it chased my consciousness during the day, 
it crept into my thoughts at work, and I realized,
what I thought indifference was masked hurt.
With no means of communicating with the object of your pain, 
it turns either into a mellow throb masked as nonchalance or into restlessness and suffocation. 
So when the surface of this ocean bed looks calm and serene, look twice and put your hands inside, 
you’ll find the currents fierce and wilding. 

notice of eviction

I had a message on my phone, he told me I was his home:

at first the flowers started to grow, a blue picket fence, lime green grass below, 

the windows were polished, the home was clean, 

it was messy but distinctly a dream. 

you wouldn’t have realized when the flowers were overgrown and slumped to the side,

the blue turned green, the green turned brown, 

the windows looked foggy, even the walls began to frown. 

so if I was your home then why didn’t you take care of your safe place, 

complacency is understandable but not after being chased, 

for then no excuse remains to be given, just one’s own blindness, 

what else could you have received from me other than the notice of eviction. 

A home needs to be loved, needs to be seen, but most important it needs to be lived in, 

and so sorry though I am to empty it, it is alas time to for me to rebuild it. 

I sincerely wish you find a beautiful nest, one that comforts you, one in which you’d invest, 

for it is time for me to pick apart my own, weave it a new dress, 

thread by thread, step by step, to reinforce the windows and let the birds rest, 

and after all of this, I hope to erect a home that doesn’t need another body to keep it warm, 

a home that can house my heart, feed it with a self sustaining farm, 

and once that’s done I will invite you over again, to enjoy some tea and gossip like old friends. 

Please don’t gaze into my eyes when your hand slips into mine

Just because I look forward to hearing about your day, 

doesn’t mean I love you, it doesn’t mean I’ll stay,

and I might eagerly tell you what’s on my mind, 

and ask for your new book finds,

but don’t you get attached with me for that, 

because I really don’t love you, 

and I really don’t want you to stay. 

Ignore how much I laugh when I’m with you, it’s a natural response to your retardedness, 

and obviously I never wait for your invitations to come over, and I never look forward to seeing your face. 

So please don’t gaze into my eyes when your hand slips into mine, 

and don’t call me cute when I call your big eyes so fine, 

and certainly don’t watch me as I fall asleep, because I definitely don’t watch you mumble at sunrise.

favorite sweater

Not every ending has to be devastating to have been meaningful. Some chapters close quietly, making space for what’s ahead. 

Like that favorite sweater of mine. I would wear it religiously, the last item to reluctantly enter the laundry bag and the first one eagerly retrieved. Every new addition in my life would first be vetted by the sweater: Would it complement the sweater’s subtle hue? Did the textures harmonize? Could the styles coexist? If not, there would be no space for it. 

But then that sweater slowly but surely started to outgrow me. Imperceptibly at first, like a threat or two loosening. The shoulders that once fit so snugly started hanging awkwardly. The fabric that once warmed me began to feel inadequate. I was still cold. I didn’t suddenly dislike it, but gradually recognized it hadn’t quite fit right for a while.

Can I repurpose the sweater? It can’t warm my heart, but it can still warm my fingers or serve as a beautiful headband! Putting the sweater away feels more natural than devastating, because I’m not throwing it away, just letting it fulfil me in different ways. 

The sweater, like our relationship, brought us great joy in its season. And that’s perhaps the most graceful truth about endings…  not that they failed but that they completed what they were meant to do. The warmth we needed then isn’t the warmth we need now. In this quiet aftermath, there is no emptiness but only clarity. And like the ending of that movie, I will always love you, and you will always love me. 

On consciousness

As humans, we are so lucky to be conscious. To have highly complex ways to think and feel, to sit somewhere and understand exactly what it feels like to experience that particular moment. Consciousness is one of our most intimate and yet mysterious gifts. 

We receive sensory input and process it, having our own point of view to the world. That makes us sentient, and nothing very different from bacteria who can also sense the world and react to it. But our consciousness lets us perceive the world, then reflect upon our perceptions. Like me right now: using my consciousness to contemplate consciousness. 

I like how a moment can become textured because of our awareness of it. I try to remind myself to be present, to live in the moment, because my awareness and consciousness is a beautiful beautiful gift that lets me experience the depth of an experience unbound by time and space. 

Alas why should I?

I watch the waves hit stairs the same way my heart thumped - loud, crashing, irregular - 

as I realize I might be the bad one. 

If bad means craving to be seen, to love, to see, 

to be heard, to seize, to hear. 

If bad means wanting to hold someone’s hand and feel like the world has stopped moving, 

To connect with someone’s soul and see them for who they are,

and for them to see you as who you are,

Then indeed I am sorry for being bad. 

I’m sorry for wanting to take someone to my secret place, for wanting to be taken to theirs, 

for not fearing us growing apart — alas why should I? 

A perfect relationship does not need to be forever, if you simply cherish all the moments you have together. 

I’ll always love you, best friend

You were the best thing that happened to me in these years and I will always be grateful to you. Thank you for all the memories and the love. I love you always and will keep you in my heart. I’m one call away if you ever need anything. 

Bungu

the kind of love I want

I want to be seen, to be told that my eyes are dreamy, 

and that my smile is loved because it’s so goofy, 

and that my thoughts are wonderful to listen to 

even though they are not concise, 

I want to be loved and to be given a surprise, 

showing up to my door and telling me you’re mine, 

that’s the way I want to be loved. 

I want to be treasured and I want to treasure in return, 

I want to have all the fun in the world, 

yet I want that seriousness and depth in our bond, 

I want our souls to be together, to be strong. 

I don’t want to feel like I am not seen. 

Like I am not someone’s dream. 

Like I don’t deserved to be heard if my thoughts are not expressed clean. 

In one lifetime, surely this is something I can experience? 

My life can feel insanely rosy and blinding with radiance? 

My love would make someone feel treasured, not obsessed over? 

We could talk for hours as we rest on each other’s shoulders? 

Maybe what I want is unrealistic. Maybe it’s rare. 

Am I willing to take a chance in case it’s there? 

simply perfect

Bottles in backpacks, shoelaces undone 

stargazing despite the pollution 

it doesn’t matter if you have different eyes 

if what you see is equivalent. 

Splaying out striped balls, 

watching in case your friend falls,

without regret you open up, you lower all your walls. 

For what is life if you don’t live it in glory? 

Why have a book without a story? 

The price of feeling free is following your heart, 

but that requires knowing what your heart wants. 

Things can always go wrong. It is unlike life to be simply right. 

Yet no one feels tricked by it, 

because life can still be perfect.