My 21st Birthday

My 21st birthday was yesterday. Well, it was two days ago, but let me stay in line with the long-standing traditions of this secret blog. See: My 18th Birthday Was Yesterday and My not so happy birthday was yesterday

Unlike my 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, and even 20th birthdays, I didn't spend the day feeling lonely, grievous, or sad. I didn't try to label my friendships based on who knows what, I didn't cry at night missing my father. 

Instead, I was surrounded by people who love me, whom I love. We played the dorky games I wanted, like Secret Hitler and Cat-Pizza-Cheese-Goat. I wore a mustard yellow dress and everyone told me I looked beautiful. I baked them cookies. They gave me meaningful gifts, letters, and, obviously the greatest present, their time. 

Online, I received warm and thoughtful messages from close friends and acquaintances alike. I had a huge smile plastered on my face all day long. 

I was able to bamboozle my family into going kayaking with me. It was fun. Even though I missed Moni, the good moments seriously outweighed the bad. 

I felt so loved, happy, and warm. Like one of my friends said, tummy full heart full. 

Tonight, I will remember that day, and I will cry.

I miss you, Papa. 

In the park 

when I see a father chasing his daughter, 
and on the streets,
when I see them cycling together, 
and sometimes in the office, 
when I see that signature bottle. 

I also missed you terribly
when I caught a cold the other day.
I was in bed, sniffling, 

crying because I didn't want to be sick,
and I remembered when you ate my snot
just to make me happy. 
It did, back then when I was five, 
but not tonight. 

Tonight, I will remember that day, and I will cry. 

yaad

yaad toh badi aati hai tumhare, aur ab kota factory dekh kar firse aa gayi.

fair or foolish

as the title suggests... this dilemma is about understanding oneself. 

blindness by compassion is a very real thing - you could find empathy for someone in any situation, bestowing forgiveness as if it were cheap, even though it comes from a place of infinite love. 

and so, where is the line? how do you know whether you are being fair or foolish, benevolent or blinded?

and, if you dig deeper, could you perhaps realize that you are just scared of being alone? scared to give anyone a reason to not be with you? fearful of the moment you have to look in your eyes and define yourself by the way you treat yourself? 

oh, dearest reader, what should you do? how do you find the truth? 

🐼🐷

Happy birthday!

fall down, walls

 a long time ago i had a fallout with a friend, and one of the things we fought about was me not opening up. i recall myself reinforcing my walls in many instances in the past. the reason is clear to me - i regretted baring my heart to those who do not remain. 

but I'm really proud of myself now. there are some things i never thought i would tell my friends, but now i have. from telling 1 person throughout 2021 and 2022, to telling 3 people in 2024 already. man. it took a lot of bravery, and I'm not sure if many of you will understand that. sharing such a personal thing with others. expecting them to understand it. love you for it. understand who you are... 

and in doing this, i hope i will forge stronger bonds, and i hope that the friends i deprived this intimacy from, have moved on from me and are happy and loved wherever they are. I'm sorry that their friendship turned into a lesson for both me and them, but I'm happy that we can learn and become better people no matter where we are. it means we still helped each other, even though it might not have been intentionally. 

happy new year ;)

hello everyone, or to the few who come here sometimes, 

happy new year :) sorry for being a bit late. i have been enjoying life. 

by no means does this mean that there haven't been hardships. oh no no no. there have been many. but resilience is a nice skill to hone. 

besides, there are some people i quite love. and i might not talk to them everyday, but hey. i still love them. as of late: family, a, m, a, s, z, n, p... 

tiny little shoutout, i guess. 

there are still parts of me that pause in doubt before admitting that i actually do like someone and care about them. i suppose it is because i am scared they don't feel the same way. and i'm not saying that is isn't entirely plausible for them to not feel the same, but i guess i'm just scared of admitting that and then being openly hurt later. like with L. that was an L for me, lol, but still. i suppose it shapes you. 

i'm just grateful for life, and i am proud of myself. i really need to take a moment to realize that life has not been easy for me. just because i haven't told anyone about the great grievances of my life, doesn't mean i can't take a moment for myself to be proud of what i have been through and how i persevered. 

besides, i think, you - whoever you are - must know me well enough to be here. hey, if we haven't talked, and we are friends, just come and say "hi nalini". you never know what might happen.

dhamaka

alright, that is all. 

mini announcement: my second book will be published soon. well not soon, but yes. and i hope you like it. it's for you anyways. not for the world but for you. isn't that crazy? writing to reveal your deep, innermost fantasies, dreams, and thoughts to your friends? maybe you won't know what i mean, or maybe you will. i hope you do. 

have a great year!

love,
nalini aka
soberly drunk poetry