Sipping lemongrass tea from Bali,
there were days when I was good:
today, I feel that I am not.
I close my eyes and suddenly
my eyelids feel heavy,
my head hollow,
my heart tight.
There is dissatisfaction,
a disapproving gaze,
I can be better, I should be better.
I should not have disrespected
a friendship of several years,
I should not have rushed into
a newbie's poetic announcement of love.
It matters if they forgive me, or don't,
but it matters more whether
I will be able to forgive myself or not.
I don't want to. I did bad, to myself, to them.
I wronged myself.
I wrong them.
Overcome by the urge to simply
say goodbye
and work on me,
become a decent human being,
have morals and principles to be proud of.
Perhaps this is the best time,
because I am alone
but for 5 people. Maybe 6.
The lemongrass tea is cold now.
That brings my thoughts to a close now.
Should I move two steps ahead
with guilt and doubt
but with people,
or should I stop, risk losing love, family,
but work on strengthening my character?
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Why is it that I cannot work on my character with the people I love around me?