fair or foolish

as the title suggests... this dilemma is about understanding oneself. 

blindness by compassion is a very real thing - you could find empathy for someone in any situation, bestowing forgiveness as if it were cheap, even though it comes from a place of infinite love. 

and so, where is the line? how do you know whether you are being fair or foolish, benevolent or blinded?

and, if you dig deeper, could you perhaps realize that you are just scared of being alone? scared to give anyone a reason to not be with you? fearful of the moment you have to look in your eyes and define yourself by the way you treat yourself? 

oh, dearest reader, what should you do? how do you find the truth? 

fall down, walls

 a long time ago i had a fallout with a friend, and one of the things we fought about was me not opening up. i recall myself reinforcing my walls in many instances in the past. the reason is clear to me - i regretted baring my heart to those who do not remain. 

but I'm really proud of myself now. there are some things i never thought i would tell my friends, but now i have. from telling 1 person throughout 2021 and 2022, to telling 3 people in 2024 already. man. it took a lot of bravery, and I'm not sure if many of you will understand that. sharing such a personal thing with others. expecting them to understand it. love you for it. understand who you are... 

and in doing this, i hope i will forge stronger bonds, and i hope that the friends i deprived this intimacy from, have moved on from me and are happy and loved wherever they are. I'm sorry that their friendship turned into a lesson for both me and them, but I'm happy that we can learn and become better people no matter where we are. it means we still helped each other, even though it might not have been intentionally.