When I realise

When I realise

  that sunshine no longer brightens up my eyes, 

no longer makes me run away into the shade; 

rain doesn't make me feel awake anymore,

I stop wanting to catch a butterfly on my finger and make it linger there,

that I no longer associate flowers with love as I associate it with grief,

and I have begun counting my days backward; 

Counting days backward to the day I had to start living without you,

that I start dreaming when I wake up and living when I sleep,

And I no longer wish for class to get over:

it is more like wishing for my life,

I understand that without you

I am merely a pebble who has forgotten loving and living and wishing,

 being in the sun, in the rain, away from pain.

Merely a pebble.

NOW

I want to know why you have turned into this person,
a person you weren't when, at least, I was there in the depths of your heart.
Why is there an unfriendly smile for me without reason,
when I was the one who made fired up your emotions and made them start.

But then again, does it matter?

Not really..

But I did occupy space with you and I did share mass,

I did sit on the same bench, the same swing set,

I did hold your shoulder when you would cry,

And I did soothe your nose when it was swollen and wet,

I did write a thousand words for you,

And I did call you over.

I did console you with a caressing voice,

And I did wish the best for you,

Until and also after it was over.

But surely, I did matter then and I don't matter now.

Is 'now' now? Or the second that went by,

or 2 seconds before that,

or 3 or 4....

But this 'now' is desperately long.

I have not been replaced in namely position yet,

but in the emotional position I held.

I know it's complicated but now there is somebody else who holds your hand,

And hugs you back,

And makes you laugh.

But I don't think there is someone who can write a thousand words for you,

All true

And full of meaning.

But then again, our now stretches forever into the hours and days and months next.