my cupped hands

Every now and then I bring you up in fondness, 

the things you taught me, the stories you shared, 

how you taught me to not rhyme 

and to walk on the ground with my feet bare. 

I remember the nights I would cry during dinner,

my terrible recitation of multiplication tables... 

I remember your stern gaze when I would talk back at Ma, 

the softness in your eyes when we would go out for walks, 

I remember your cheerful voice calling for me at your return, 

the way you praised my omelettes even though they always burned.

But sometimes I forget your face. I have to strain 

to remember the creases that caressed your forehead 

and the tinge of yellow in your cornea faint. 

I can't remember the way your voice sounded 

even though I remember the exact words, 

and sometimes I'm scared 

that I'm wrong about that too.

I can hear the "burrah!" but not your dance, 

the way you said "I love you" but not your demands... 

I worry that your memories flow like water through my cupped hands. 

My 21st Birthday

My 21st birthday was yesterday. Well, it was two days ago, but let me stay in line with the long-standing traditions of this secret blog. See: My 18th Birthday Was Yesterday and My not so happy birthday was yesterday

Unlike my 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, and even 20th birthdays, I didn't spend the day feeling lonely, grievous, or sad. I didn't try to label my friendships based on who knows what, I didn't cry at night missing my father. 

Instead, I was surrounded by people who love me, whom I love. We played the dorky games I wanted, like Secret Hitler and Cat-Pizza-Cheese-Goat. I wore a mustard yellow dress and everyone told me I looked beautiful. I baked them cookies. They gave me meaningful gifts, letters, and, obviously the greatest present, their time. 

Online, I received warm and thoughtful messages from close friends and acquaintances alike. I had a huge smile plastered on my face all day long. 

I was able to bamboozle my family into going kayaking with me. It was fun. Even though I missed Moni, the good moments seriously outweighed the bad. 

I felt so loved, happy, and warm. Like one of my friends said, tummy full heart full.